Dear Safeway

Dear Safeway:

I have a suggestion for you. Along with your express checkout lane and it’s strangely arbitrary 15 item limit and your “Family Friendly” lane with its promise of healthy snacks and no candy for kids to annoy their parents into buying, how about adding a “No Bullshit” lane.

In this lane the following rules would apply:

1)   There would be no “amicable” chit-chat between the checker and the customer. I am there to buy something and the checker is there to take my money.  That’s it, that’s all. I don’t want to know what she thinks of my purchase, or how my day is going, or if the White Sox have a chance at the Series. I want to get in, I want to find what I need, and I want to get out. Smiling and nodding of heads will be allowed, but extraneous, and more importantly obsequious conversation will not be tolerated. 

2)   I will not be asked if I need help out with my purchase. I am not 80 years old, I do not have any physical restrictions, and I walked in here all by my lonesome, walked around your uber-gigundo store and only have one item.  A corollary: I promise not to sue you because you asked the 80 year old one legged grandma with a shopping cart full of food if SHE needed help and didn’t ask me. The milk of human kindness demands you ask her. The law firm of Slash and Burne demands you ask me. Don't think I don't know the difference. 

3)  Your checker will not attempt to read my name that you so kindly have decided to print on my receipt so the homeless guy who picks through your garbage can find out I have a preference for French Roast. As if it’s not sad enough that she’s having a hard enough time finding it on the paper (really, can we talk about an optical plan in your health insurance package?), I have a distaste for hearing my last name mangled out loud. Someone who really knows me knows how to pronounce my name. 

4) In the same way you will not accept barter or services in kind as payment, I will not use the ancient form of payment known as the cheque. I will give you either cash money or a credit/debit card. And I will know my PIN and enter it correctly the first time. 

5) You will not change checkers and/or money drawers whilst there is anyone in the line. Working that check stand will be implicitly understood to mean that breaks are only available when no one is waiting to check out. 

6) You will not publicly attempt to extort money for whatever cancer research fund you are choosing to support this week. I give my fair share to charity. If you really want to support the work being done on prostate or breast cancer then by all means dig into those deep pockets of yours and pony up the dough, but it does make me wonder why you want me to support those charities and not, oh let’s say, the fight against AIDS. Or syphilis. Or hemochromatosis. Or Hep C. Or any one of a thousand other worthy but oh so messy to explain to the kiddies diseases that plenty of people (even people who shop at Safeway) get.

I truly do believe that implementing such a checkout line would be of great value to your company. It will generate tons of good will and appreciation from the millions of Americans who are fed up with your culture of phony, forced, make believe “neighborliness”. And for those who enjoy being treated as a Stepford customer there will still be six other check stands open to accommodate them.

Provided you actually hire some of those real honest to god human neighbors you claim you want to be friends with. 

I thank you for your kind attention and hope you have a pleasant day.